


Keep Your Words for Myself

by InsaneJuliann



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, There’s a bit of mutual pining too I guess, a dash of angst, because i like it, brief appearances of Bobby and Athena, mentions of others - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Soulmates have words the other will tell them - important, meaningful words for their relationship - on each other's skin. The tricky thing is, you can never be sure when the words will be said, so often, one will know before the other.Eddie's reaction to hearing the familiar words on his skin coming from his teammate? A hard no. He wouldn't be a good soulmate anyway.Buck's reaction to hearing the familiar words on his skin coming from his best friend? Hope. Of course, when nothing he says ever seems to do the same for Eddie, he can't help but think maybe he's cursed with the rare, near-mythical one-sided bond.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 46
Kudos: 769





	Keep Your Words for Myself

**Author's Note:**

> It will surprise exactly no one that this is, once more, [tarialdarion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion)'s fault entirely. Really. She asked specifically for this AU, and I wrote it entirely for her. So. There's that entirely unexpected, I'm sure, announcement. 
> 
> I wrote some of this last night, had a nasty bout of insomnia that left me with five poor hours of sleep, and my dad just did not seem to perk up much. I did finish this, but usually read through it a few times before posting. I read it one time before posting, so if there's any errors, oops. I'll read through it sometime tomorrow to try catching any I missed. (I would wait to post until tomorrow, but I kind of was tormenting tari so that'd be mean. ...Meaner.)

Eddie had the words “You could have mine” on his skin for almost as long as he could remember, hidden away on the inside of his thigh.

It didn’t mean much. He was young and it was cool to talk about what your friends’ soulmate’s words were. To compare and see who had the most outrageous or the coolest – and Eddie’s were neither of those. They were pretty boring and normal, overall. Then he was older, in high school, and there were debates all over the place about it soulmates were who you were destined to be with romantically or not, if you should bother with anyone else if you had a soulmate out there who was supposedly perfect for you.

Then he met Shannon.

She never said his words, and he never said hers. They loved each other anyway. They got married not too long out of high school, and Eddie enlisted, and before he left Shannon was pregnant with a baby and….

For a while, the words didn’t matter. They only came up when he and Shannon were fighting, sometimes, when one of them was being particularly hurtful.

While he was overseas, sometimes when he couldn’t sleep at night, he ran his fingers over where he knew they were on his skin. They didn’t feel any different from anywhere else on his skin. Some people claimed they could feel the difference, or that if a soulmate touched them it was like sparks. Eddie couldn’t feel the difference, and he’d never met his soulmate to find out. Maybe he never would. Maybe, he’d never get to know his own son, not really. Everything in Afghanistan felt like one huge maybe.

After – when he’s well enough they want to send him home, he ran his fingers over new scars from bullets wounds, then shoved his pants down enough to touch the words. His hand trembled. He wondered what would have happened if he _had_ died, like he’d thought he would, without ever having met his soulmate. Sometimes people’s words faded. Sometimes, they just disappeared. Sometimes new words would show up. No one knew how it worked, not really.

Eddie decided not to think about things that wouldn’t matter. He was going home. He was finally going to get to spend more time with Christopher. To get to be there for him in person.

He did get that chance – but he lost Shannon. She left, and she didn’t answer any of his calls or texts, so eventually he stopped trying. She never called, not on any holidays or Chris’ birthdays that passed. She didn’t write or send him presents. Eddie was left struggling to explain to Chris where she went and when she was coming home, struggling to make enough money to support all Chris’ needs.

Struggling, and then his parents told him they wanted to take Chris away from him. That he wasn’t doing enough, wasn’t good enough.

Eddie decided LA was farther away and right then, he wanted as far from his parents as he could get with the new firefighting job. He had family in LA, too. His abuela, an aunt. Abuela, at least, seemed thrilled Eddie was moving to LA.

It was still a struggle. They moved into a new house, and he had to get Chris settled in at a new school, but it doesn’t meet all Chris’ needs, not as well as Eddie wants. His work hours weren’t always the best match to Chris’ schedule, and he had to rely on Abuela and Pepa more than he was comfortable with. Abuela insisted it was no trouble, but then, so had Eddie’s parents.

The LAFD are more than happy to have him. In fact, he had two stations vying for him to accept their offer of positions. He hadn’t really made a decision on which – was going to probably go with whatever one was closer to home or to Chris’ school – when he got a call from Captain Nash of the 118.

Nash was pretty convincing. Eddie joined up with the 118 a week after finishing training.

Everyone seemed nice – mostly. Eddie couldn’t decide just what it was that had crawled up Evan “Buck” Buckley’s ass and made a home there, if it was insecurity or being upset about his mysterious absentee maybe-ex girlfriend. He just hoped the guy got the fuck over it soon, otherwise shit was going to be awkward. Eddie was almost wondering if he wouldn’t have been better off with Station 6 after all.

Buck just didn’t let up about it. All day, Eddie put up with comments and some kind of damned dick measuring he didn’t get. Honestly, Eddie was getting beyond annoyed by it.

Then, there was some dumbass with a goddamn live grenade in his leg, who by some fucking _miracle_ hadn’t been blown up. Yet.

Eddie somehow wasn’t entirely surprised when Buck insisted on coming into the back of the ambulance with him. He thought, at first, it was just more of the same weird competition thing he had going.

Turned out, Buck wasn’t actually that bad once he got his head out of his ass.

Buzzing with the adrenaline, unable to help the grin on his face, Eddie turned to Buck. “You’re a badass under pressure there, brother,” Eddie admitted. Buck looked surprised, then pleased, especially as Eddie added, “You can have my back any day.”

“Yeah,” Buck said, with a shyly pleased, bright smile. His face was pink and Eddie was pretty sure it hadn’t been like that just moments ago. “Or uh, you know you could… you could have mine.”

Somehow. Somehow Eddie managed to act like those words meant absolutely nothing to him aside from Buck finally putting away whatever had been bothering him. Like the words on his inner thigh didn’t flare hot for a second, like he would have missed those words being said otherwise.

He managed to pretend, until shift ended and he got home. Chris was with his abuela until the morning, when Eddie would pick him up to take him to school.

Eddie slumped down in his hallway, Buck’s words running on fucking repeat in his head. He clamped a hand over his thigh, where he knew those goddamn words were.

No. Just – no.

So Eddie ignored that Buck was his soulmate, if the words on Eddie’s thigh had anything to say about it. And there was nothing that meant it _had_ to be romantic. Sure, Eddie could admit Buck was not just hot but _cute_ , with his smiles and cheerfulness and _sweetness_. Eddie caught himself looking, sometimes, while out working or when hanging out in the gym.

But that didn’t have to mean anything.

Buck took him to Chris after the earthquake. He talked to Bobby for him. He brought Eddie _Carla_ , godsend that she was. He was there, all the time, seemingly what Eddie needed.

But that didn’t mean _anything_. Eddie wouldn’t let it.

And then… Shannon was back, for Chris. Maybe for him.

And Eddie still loved her, even as he couldn’t help how angry and hurt he still felt. Even as he kept waiting to let her back in their lives, because she’d already left once and what guarantee did he have she wouldn’t do it again?

Buck was still there, listening, quietly offering support. There was no sign that he knew they were soulmates. Maybe he did and didn’t want Eddie that way, maybe it was one-sided. Eddie didn’t know, but it was a relief. A weird one, because Eddie knew Buck was there, would be there. Already, he trusted Buck so _fucking_ much.

But he loved Shannon.

And Chris… he wanted his mom back. Didn't Eddie owe it to both of them to give the relationship another chance?

So Eddie did. He made himself push aside as much of the distrust and worry he felt, tried to build their relationship back up. Shannon was always pushing, for more and faster, and Eddie was trying but he couldn’t seem to do it as quick or fully as she wanted.

They were fighting almost as much as they weren’t anymore. Again. Eddie was exhausted.

Then, Shannon wanted a divorce.

Then, Shannon died.

It was like a goddamn series of bad luck that got increasingly worse. Shannon died. Bobby was suspended. There was some lunatic going around leaving bombs on people’s doorsteps.

The ladder truck blew up.

Buck was pinned.

Eddie’s heart didn’t leave his throat the whole time.

That was his soulmate there. _His_ soulmate, in pain, injured, crushed under that goddamn truck. _His_ soulmate, and every time he tried to get closer that kid with the bomb shouted and threatened. _His_ soulmate letting out those chilling screams as he clutched Eddie’s hand back weaker than Eddie liked.

And… he couldn’t help. He couldn’t do anything. Buck was his soulmate, but it didn’t matter. Eddie hadn’t been good enough for Shannon, and he hadn’t been able to save her. What made him think he’d be enough for Buck, anyway. He couldn’t even help him as Buck worked through rehab.

Buck almost died, again. Eddie had nightmares for almost a straight week of his soulmate coughing up and choking on blood.

Even once he was on blood thinners, it was like Eddie couldn’t do anything. So, he did the only thing he could think of – he pushed. He shoved Buck into interacting with him. He dropped Chris off, because he knew Buck had a huge soft spot for kids in general, and Eddie’s kid in particular. Chris, hopefully, could help in some way Eddie couldn’t. Could bring a bit of life and light and hope back to Buck.

Without even knowing it until well after the fact, Buck almost died again. _Christopher_ almost died. Eddie had gone all goddamn day working, and not known that the two most important people to him had been in so much danger, had needed help, needed _his_ help….

Eddie would never forget one second of that night, not from the moment he first saw Buck at that field hospital, until he had Chris in his arms and saw Buck collapsing. He’d never forget the fear and anger that coursed through him, or the tears in Buck’s eyes, or the way he’d tried stammering through apologies and an explanation that had barely made it past the rushing in Eddie’s ears. Not the way Chris had felt in his arms, chilled a bit but whole, crying into Eddie’s neck instantly. Not the woman telling him that Chris had been looking for _Buck_. Not Buck’s legs seeming to just give out, their teammates barely catching him.

None of it would ever be anything less than vividly, painfully clear.

Eddie – god, he had hoped that was the worst of it. The world had to be fucking done with them by that point, didn’t it? Nothing could top a goddamn natural disaster.

He was wrong, though.

Because not too long after all of that had just started to settle, Buck filed a lawsuit. It felt more like losing Buck than any of the near-misses with death had.

After fucking everything that had tried to take Buck from him, in the end it was Buck himself that did it. Eddie's soulmate left him of his own goddamned choice.

(Why wouldn’t he? Eddie wasn’t worth sticking around for, clearly. No one was satisfied with him as he was – not his parents, not Shannon, and not Buck. Of course Buck would leave him.)

Eddie wasn’t sure who he was more angry at – Buck, for leaving… or himself, for daring to believe that maybe Buck would stay.

“There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.”

Buck couldn’t do anything but stand there and stare. Eddie squeezed his shoulder, high up near Buck’s neck. He said something to Chris, quipped something about the zoo at Buck, and was almost out the door before Buck could gather himself together. And then Eddie paused there, and added, "Thank you, for not giving up." Buck just nodded.

Those… those were his words. His _soulmate_ words. They had to be, because there was a hot line curling around his hip where he knew those exact words lived, dark against his skin.

Feeling a grin on his face after the last few days felt absolutely strange. Buck didn’t think he’d smiled since seeing that wave….

He went to sit with Chris (his soulmate’s son). Chris seemed mostly okay. At least, he seemed fine staying inside, staying with Buck watching him. Despite Eddie's reassurances, Buck couldn't help the guilt twisting his heart. (He had lost _his soulmate's kid_.) Buck apologized for losing him, but Chris didn’t seem to get it. He kept insisting that Buck had saved him, and that Buck was a hero. It sat sourly in his throat, because Buck only wished that were true.

That woman, that kind stranger who had held no obligation to Chris – she had been the true hero. Buck wished he knew who she was, so he could thank her. So he could get on his knees and just – pour his gratitude at her feet.

Especially now, especially knowing that Chris was _his soulmate’s son_.

(His soulmate’s son, that his soulmate trusted him with more than anyone else. Even after the tsunami. It seemed impossible. Buck wasn’t sure he believed he wasn’t just having a really vivid, weird, fantastic dream.)

He wondered if he’d said Eddie’s words yet. He must not have, or Eddie would have given him some sign, right? Buck had never got why it was seemingly random words on your skin, not the first ones. Just what would mean the most between them for each person.

And yeah – Buck couldn’t imagine anything else Eddie could say that would mean as much to him as the ones he had. Eddie could swear his love, could promise to never leave, could say a lot of things that would matter, yeah. That Buck would like to hear, certainly. That would mean something – but those words. ‘ _There’s no one in this world I trust with my son more than you._ ’

Nothing could top that, could show Buck that he mattered to Eddie.

He trusted Buck with _Chris_ , after _everything_.

Did he say something? It’d be weird to keep it to himself, right? But maybe Eddie didn’t know yet, and Buck wasn’t really sure what the proper protocol was here. He should ask Hen, or Bobby – wait, Buck didn’t know Bobby’s words, what if they were his first wife’s? That might hurt Bobby to talk about and Buck wouldn’t want to do that to him. 

The thing was… Buck didn’t know many people who had met their soulmate. His parents’ hadn’t had words – at least not that Buck knew. He thought once, he’d seen words on his mom’s ankle when he was maybe Chris’ age, so faded that they looked like smudges. When he'd tried asking, she'd laughed and told him it was discoloration from her sock being too tight, told him he was silly for thinking that she had words, that she even needed words.

Maddie had been with Doug, and when Buck had asked if he was her soulmate she’d also laughed at him. Maddie had said that soulmates weren’t everything, that there could be relationships outside of them that were still good.

(And hadn’t that been such _bullshit_. At least about Maddie and Doug.)

It wasn’t polite to look or ask, once you weren’t a dumb kid who didn’t know better anymore. But Buck had never had anyone to really teach him what to do when you _did_ find a soulmate.

He could _not_ mess this up. Not with it being _Eddie_.

So when Eddie came by later to pick Chris up, Buck tried to act normal. Eddie shot him a look or two, curious, amused, so Buck knew he wasn’t quite managing it. He just – he couldn’t stop beaming at Eddie (his soulmate!) wanting to be closer and touch and….

He just – he’d try asking around subtly with the team, figure out how best to broach the subject with Eddie. He’d go by the station soon and ask Hen maybe. She wouldn’t tease him too much, and she wouldn’t tell the others he was asking about soulmates like some dumb kid.

Things… didn’t go as Buck planned though.

He wanted back to work so _badly_. He missed everyone. There were days he didn’t hear from any of them and it ached. There were days he didn’t hear from _Eddie_ that hurt deep down inside of him. He knew they were busy – they were working, saving lives, and sometimes shifts were hard and took everything out of you, so you had nothing much left to give. They had families that needed them after a shift, that were a priority over a laid-up teammate.

(If Buck told Eddie they were soulmates, would he become a priority? After Chris, of course, but….)

He felt fine. He really did – but he was being kept from going to work still, and it felt like he couldn’t do anything to convince anyone he was ready.

And… the team seemed so _fine_ without him. His name was taped over and Eddie was working so smoothly with a new partner, and – what if Eddie liked her better than Buck?

(Maybe Eddie wouldn’t like having Buck as a soulmate. Buck had always heard stories about one-sided soulmates. What if….?)

It all fell apart from there. Angry and hurting and frustrated, Buck called a lawyer.

Being offered money, like that was why he’d gone to such lengths as the lawsuit, like it was a win to get that instead of his job… Buck felt devastated. That hadn’t been what he wanted. At all. And he knew – he knew he’d upset the team. Seeing them being hurt right in front of him because of things he’d told that lawyer had him second guessing everything, regretting each secret shared more and more.

He’d just wanted his _job_ back… wanted his _family_ back.

No one though – no one was as angry with him as Eddie. Buck had thought Eddie might have been about to throw fists in the grocery store (something was wrong, Buck could see it – arrested? And the anger was so different than Buck had ever seen him; Eddie had never seemed to lose his cool in the time Buck had known him). He didn’t, and Buck watched his team get to work without him.

Sure, not too long later, he’d been allowed back. For a while, they gave him the cold shoulder. He should have expected it, but hell, he’d hoped for better. At least Hen had welcomed him back, gave him a cupcake. He held onto that, and her assurance that it’d blow over. He didn’t complain when Bobby left him behind. Didn’t let himself get upset. That’d caused enough damage.

He’d prove himself to them, again. He’d do whatever he needed to, to make up for the hurts he’d caused.

(But god he wanted so badly to be out there with them. To watch their backs – especially Eddie’s. To feel that warm belonging of team and family with them. To not stay back and feel nothing but worry.)

For the most part, it didn't even last most of the shift. They eased up... except for Eddie.

It got to be too much by the end of Halloween. Buck had to get some kind of reaction out of Eddie. The ignoring, the ghosting… _fuck_ , it hurt. The distance between them, physical and otherwise, hurt. Buck just wanted things to go back to before the goddamn ladder truck.

(He wouldn’t have his words, though. He wasn’t sure he wanted to give those up, even as he wanted to get back to what he’d had before.)

Buck didn’t know how he’d gotten Eddie’s forgiveness, if Eddie took pity on him or Buck finally did something right (if it was a soulmates thing or just luck). He grabbed onto Eddie in the hug, and….

Eddie shoved him, yanked back. Rolled his shoulder.

Something…. Something was wrong. It’d been wrong, before in the grocery store, and it was wrong _now_.

But Eddie didn’t want to let him in. And Buck was afraid to push too much, drive him away.

He must not have said the right words to Eddie yet. Buck had to hope that was it. He had to show Eddie still that Buck was there for him, always would be no matter what.

He tried. He tried to get Eddie to talk to him, to trust him. Even when things seemed good Buck wasn’t sure he’d said the right words yet.

He apologized, again. Better this time. The way he should have from that moment in the grocery store, but had been too stubborn and hurt and selfish to do. Eddie gave him this look, like he was annoyed and amused all at once when Buck pointed out he was pretty sure Eddie had wanted to be hitting him and not strangers, and it was even more amused than annoyed when Buck insisted he could take him.

Eddie didn’t even shift the slightest bit away when Buck came closer.

Buck wanted to lean in and kiss him _so fucking badly_.

He didn’t. They played video games on the couch, Chris cheering between them, and Eddie finally seemed to unwind in some way Buck couldn’t explain but could see. It made him relax a bit too. Maybe he’d finally said the right thing, maybe Eddie just was feeling better.

Then came Ana Flores.

Buck held it together – sorta.

Okay, he was jealous and a bit angry (with Eddie, with himself, with the fucking world), and he was pretty sure everyone could fucking see it.

No one called him out on it. (No one knew Eddie was his soulmate. Buck was starting to think that was a good thing. He was starting to think it really was one-sided.)

He didn’t know if Eddie ever actually went on any dates with her. He didn’t ask, and Eddie never said. Buck just tried to be there for his soulmate as much as he could. He might not be Eddie’s, but Eddie was his, and Buck would just have to… learn to live with it.

The less said about the tunnel collapse, the better. Buck honestly didn’t remember everything clearly – he went fuzzy for a while on the details. He knew he’d been digging in the mud, and he knew Bobby had dragged him away. He didn’t remember crying but his face had been tight and hot and wet like he had.

He did remember, with precision clarity, Eddie appearing like a fucking ghost at the edge of the crowd only to collapse yards from them. He remembered his fucking cold and wet Eddie had been, the way he’d been gasping for air the whole time, the way he’d clutched back at Buck’s hand so tight.

Maybe, if Buck had been able to find any words then, they would have been the right ones. But he was speechless with the enormity of everything he was feeling.

He hadn’t wanted to let Eddie out of his sight, but he wasn’t actually _family_ , so he couldn’t stay with him. Eddie had insisted he was fine, encouraged Buck to leave, and it had put the largest lump in Buck’s throat. He hadn’t been able to say anything still, and it had been Bobby to grab Buck’s shoulder and steer him away from everyone.

Bobby had sat Buck down. Watched him with _knowing_ eyes that Buck just couldn’t meet. Told him to come back home with Bobby. Buck had almost argued, but Bobby did that thing. Where he raised a brow and had this look that said ‘don’t argue with me kid’ and yet he’d looked so understanding and sympathetic.

Buck was fucking weak for it. He was pretty sure everyone knew it, just how weak he was for that specific brand of fatherly affection Bobby gave him.

Athena had been waiting up for them. She’d made up the guest room for Buck – there’d been a heated blanket even. She’d set her hand on his arm, squeezing gently, and given him the same look she had back when he’d asked her if it got any easier to lose someone.

“Just count it as a win, Buck,” she murmured. “Count the win.”

He’d dragged in a deep breath and nodded.

Buck had been handling the idea that he'd never have more with Eddie – mostly – until Red.

Red had words curled around his neck. He talked about the one that got away, about how he’d thought he’d have time because her words were on his skin, but she’d left and he had never gotten a chance to say whatever words she’d had.

It terrified Buck.

Maddie didn’t get it, and how could she have? Buck hadn’t told anyone about his words being Eddie’s. He hadn’t told anyone how he’d been trying and waiting for what felt like so long now, and was realizing it was one sided.

Maddie wasn’t the one who got left behind.

Buck was just – destined to be alone. Something about him wasn’t enough for people.

Buck was pretty sure something in his chest had broken with that realization.

So when Maddie sat across from him and insisted he wouldn’t become Red (he already was) because she’d never leave him (she already had, twice) and held out her pinky….

Buck wrapped his own around hers, tight. He laughed a bit, but before he knew it he was trying not to sob.

“Buck-“

“I need – I haven’t told you… _anyone_ …”

“What-“

“I heard my words.”

Maddie’s eyes went wide. She let out a breath, almost reverent. “But then why-“

“Because. It’s one sided.”

“Buck, no, that’s not-“

“Red had one. They _do_ exist, Maddie. And I have one. I love them _so fucking much_ , and it hurts, all the time. I spent so much time trying to – to be good enough, to say whatever I needed to to _show them_ I was – that everything I am was theirs. It didn’t matter.”

Her face twisted. “It’s not… Abby is it?”

“What?” Buck blinked, frowned. “No.”

Maddie looked relieved. Buck didn’t tell her that Abby hadn’t even believed in soulmates. She said people made their own choices, that words on skin only meant as much as you wanted it to.

“So who is it?”

Buck shook his head. “No. I’m not – I’m not telling who. I just – I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.”

The way Maddie said his name, soft and sympathetic, but without any kind of pressure, made him want to start crying more. She came around to his side, wrapping her arms around him and urging him down. He buried his face against her shoulder like he had when he’d been small and scared. He held her as tight as he dared. Her fingers scratched through his hair.

“Listen to me, okay?” she whispered after a few minutes. “Really listen. Sometimes, people aren’t ready at the same time. Sometimes, we need more time – and sometimes we’re scared.” She swallowed. “I have Chim’s words. I haven’t told him.”

Buck sniffed, frowned, and pulled back a bit. “Maddie?”

She was crying; Buck wondered if it was from her confession, or seeing him so upset. He hated making her cry, hated seeing her cry at all.

“I’ve known for a couple months, but I just haven’t been able to say anything. It’s terrifying, Buck. It’s so huge and – what if I hurt him?”

“Or maybe he has your words, too, Maddie.”

“I – Buck he means so much to me.”

“I know.” Buck brushed his fingers over her cheeks, clearing off the tears. “But you mean just as much to him. I know you do.”

She sniffed. “I know. In my heart, I know. But my head…” She laughed, short and bitter. “It’s not there yet. I want to tell him even as I want to hide it.” She swiped the heel of her hand under each eye. “So, see, maybe… maybe your soulmate is just scared, too.” She stared at him, almost pleading. “Evan, maybe he’s just scared to love again.”

Buck licked his lips. “He?” he croaked.

With another sniff, Maddie tossed her hair over her shoulder, giving him an attempt at her usual ‘big sister always knows best’ look. “Are you going to try to tell me it’s not Eddie on your skin?”

Taking a shaky breath, Buck looked down. He dropped his hand to his hip, curling it around the words almost protectively. “I’ve already hurt him. Maybe I lost my chance.”

“Maybe he’s just as afraid of soulmates as we are.” She gave him a half-hearted smile. “It’s not like we ever had good examples of them growing up.”

Buck slumped forward again, and Maddie caught him in a hug easily. Her hand rubbed up and down his back.

“Are you saying I need to tell him? Because I’d like to point out that’s very hypocritical of you.”

She barked a laugh. “No. It has to be at your own pace, I think. But I am telling you to not count yourself out yet. Don’t count _Eddie_ out yet. Please.”

It wouldn’t hurt, to agree. He didn’t have to do actually listen, but maybe Maddie had a point. “Okay.”

She kissed the side of his head. “Good. And for what it’s worth, I refuse to believe the universe wouldn’t give you a soulmate, baby brother. You’ve got too big heart and so much love to give, to not get that love back.”

He smiled and closed his eyes.

Sometimes, Maddie really did know what he needed to hear.

The truck was quiet on the way back. All of them were exhausted, stretched to their limits after all the _shit_ that had happened over the day. Eddie kept shooting glances at Buck, who was leaning away from everyone, head resting against the window and staring out.

Abby had been at the train crash. She’d screamed at Buck about looking for her fiancé – her soulmate. Buck had looked so baffled for a moment. Eddie hadn’t known what to do. How to help. So he’d done what he could, what Buck’s words were. He had Buck’s back.

He cut off Abby’s yelling, calmed her down (sort of; he’d maybe gotten a bit sharp, but it was Buck, after all, all of them were protective of Buck). He’d argued with Buck about who should do the riskier rescues. (Buck had thrown Chris at him, and Eddie’s anger had surged so fucking hot at that. They were going to talk about that.)

Eddie’d done the worst anyway, when Buck hadn’t been paying attention. Buck had yelled at him when he’d finally made it out with the man. Had grabbed Eddie’s arms, wild around the eyes, and shouted that Eddie couldn’t do that to him again.

Bobby had intervened quickly at that point. Hen had given Eddie a look, one that said he needed to fix things.

He had no idea how to do that, though.

When they got back to the station, everyone was quiet as they went their separate ways. They showered and dressed. Chim clapped a silent hand to their shoulders on his way out. Hen had called out a soft ‘drive safe’ before leaving. Bobby waited for them just outside the locker room before he followed them out to his own vehicle.

Eddie caught Buck’s arm when they reached his jeep. “Come over.”

Buck looked so tired and almost empty when he looked at Eddie. Eddie’s heart was in his throat.

“Buck… please. Come over. Stay with Chris and I.”

His shoulders moved with the breath he took and sighed. But Buck nodded. Eddie nodded back, but a part of him felt like vibrating out of his skin. He didn’t want to let go, half afraid Buck wouldn’t actually do as he said.

“Okay.”

Eddie kept half an eye on his rearview mirror the entire way home. Buck’s headlights stayed with him.

They slipped inside the house as quietly as they could. Carla was asleep in the guest room. Chris was asleep in his own room, sprawled out with arms akimbo and the blankets twisted at the foot of the bed. Eddie slipped in to fix them. He kissed Chris’ head and held there for a moment, unbearably grateful.

Buck was standing in the hall.

Eddie herded him into his room.

He all but forced Buck out of his jacket and shirt, though Buck did at least take off his own shoes and socks. He hesitated before pushing down his jeans, tugging his boxers back into proper place. Eddie was glad for the dark as he dropped his own and pulled on some old basketball shorts instead.

“C’mon. Get in bed.”

Buck’s face did a weird kind of twist. It was too dark for Eddie to really read it.

“I’ll just –“

“I swear to fucking god, if you try to sleep on the couch….”

Buck’s eyes closed. One hand was fisted on the covers.

“Eddie.” His voice was tight. “I – I’m not sure I should….”

Eddie had seen a lot of fucking shit in his life. He’d seen a lot of shit _today_. He’d listened with everyone else over the headsets as Athena was attacked, watched the horror and ghosts in Bobby’s eyes the whole time worsen.

He’d watched Buck throw himself into dangerous rescues, done so himself so Buck wouldn’t.

Buck was always throwing himself headfirst into dangerous situations. He was reckless – with his life, with his health, with his goddamn heart – and Eddie wanted nothing more than to protect him. He did what he could, on the job. He did what he could as Buck’s friend.

But tonight… he’d seen Buck’s heart get hurt once again.

He could… he could fix that. Maybe.

“Buck,” he said quietly. His hands were shaking. He was aware of every little sound – Chris’ soft snores and the faint sound of traffic in the distance outside. “Evan.”

That got Buck looking at him. His eyes caught a bit of gleam of light. Slowly, Eddie reached out and grabbed Buck’s hand. He got a knee on the bed, and he didn’t need to look where he was bringing Buck’s hand. He kept his eyes locked with Buck’s, which were confused and then a kind of scared and hopeful that hurt to see.

Eddie didn’t need to look to know precisely where Buck’s words were on his skin. He guided Buck’s fingers right to them, and shivered at the heat that flared up in the wake of Buck’s fingertips.

“It’s okay,” he said, voice hoarse. “Just – come to bed. Please.”

Buck nodded, lips parted, eyes still wide and painfully hopeful.

Fuck. Eddie wondered how long Buck had known. He wondered just what the hell Buck had been thinking, while he kept it to himself.

Fuck. Eddie should have said something. He should have….

Buck pressed close against him, fingers running over the sensitive skin of Eddie’s inner thigh, not always quite where the words were but learning them just from the flare of heat he had to also feel.

Eddie swallowed. “Where…?”

Buck sucked in a breath. He pulled his fingers away, grasping Eddie’s hand and guiding it to his hip, under the band of his boxers. Eddie felt the familiar heat, in the pads of his own fingers, as Buck guided him over the curl of his hipbone. After a few passes, Buck let go and reached for Eddie’s words again. He didn’t trial his fingers over the words, just rested them there.

Eddie cleared his throat. “What do yours say?”

Buck turned his head slightly into the pillow, like he was hiding or embarrassed. “After the tsunami… you told me there was no one in the world you trusted more with your son than me.”

Eddie closed his eyes. He pressed his thumb into the place where the thought the words started, maybe harder than he should. Buck’s own fingers stroked once over Eddie’s, soothing.

He didn’t ask. Eddie realized shortly that he wouldn’t.

“The grenade,” he murmured, soft enough that maybe if Buck wasn’t listening he wouldn’t hear.

“I got your back,” Buck recalled. It made Eddie smile.

“And maybe you could have mine. That’s what I’ve known for as long as I can remember. And after that night….”

They were quiet. Just touching, small strokes and gentle presses.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Buck whispered, voice small and – Eddie couldn’t quite figure if it was afraid or uncertain or something else.

“I… I was still.” He stopped, swallowed. “Even though it’d been a few years, Shannon still felt so _fresh_. I… I just couldn’t even think about it, let alone do anything about it.”

Buck was quiet, but Eddie felt him nod his head. He leaned closer so his forehead was pressed against Buck’s.

“Why didn’t you?” he asked.

“I thought you didn’t know yet. And – I never really knew anyone who had met their soulmate, and wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Then… everything fell apart.”

Eddie had been so _pissed_ , because on top of everything that had happened in the past few months his soulmate had been doing something that kept them apart. Had done something that felt like a personal betrayal.

“We got through it,” he reminded Buck – and himself. “And here we are now.”

“I thought I hadn’t said the right thing yet,” Buck confessed. “And – then, with Red, his was one sided and I….”

Eddie’s throat tightened. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, because the very thought that Buck believed _he’d_ been the one of them undeserving of a soulmate….

“Once… once I…” How did he fucking say it, explain to Buck that at some point Eddie had just never said because he’d been certain he wasn’t a good enough soulmate to offer Buck anything worth having. “I didn’t think you needed me,” he said, and he was kind of horrified to hear his voice break. He clamped down his jaw, dragging himself under control fiercely.

Buck pressed Eddie’s words hard enough to hurt a bit, maybe to bruise. “I do need you. You don’t even know, Eddie, I need you _so fucking much_. Please.”

Like he thought Eddie was going to leave still, after this. Like Eddie would be able to just give Buck up, now that he knew for sure and couldn’t bury himself in denial and maybes.

He squeezed Buck’s hip back, dragging them even closer together. “You’re not allowed to leave me, Evan, do you understand? I can’t – you can’t.”

“Never,” Buck swore. “And – you can’t leave me, okay? Please, Eddie, don’t-“

Eddie let out a laugh, choked and almost bitter. “You think I even could? I’m not going anywhere without you and Chris, querido. Believe me.”

“Okay.” Buck sounded relieved and soft. Tender, some little voice in Eddie’s heart whispered. “I’m good with that.”

Eddie smiled. He was so fond of this man.

He tilted his head, stretching that smallest bit forward and pressed a gentle, brief kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth. “Sleep. We’ll talk more tomorrow, I promise.”

“You, talk about feelings?” Buck teased, though it was a bit ruined by the yawn he let out in Eddie’s face. “Sounds fake.”

Eddie snorted. “Asshole. Go to sleep. I deal with you tomorrow.”

Buck nuzzled closer, wiggling down in the bed so his face could press into Eddie’s neck. He could feel the wide smile on his face. Buck settled his whole hand over Eddie’s thigh, covering his words entirely. The heat had mellowed into something pulsing and warm and soothing.

Eddie knew his fucking arm would be dead in the morning, but he didn’t care. He wrapped it around Buck’s shoulders, scratching at the hair at the nape of his neck, and kept his other hand still curled around Buck’s hip. In the morning, they’d talk, and maybe Buck would be fine telling Chris right away.

Whatever happened, Eddie knew they’d figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact, I jokingly suggested to tari that I should end it without them telling each other after I wrote the scene with Buck and Maddie. She was very distressed by the mere idea of it. I thought of putting that last bit in a second chapter, lol, but decided to be nice.
> 
> I have no idea what's going to happen in the 3.18, so I was mostly vague. I doubt anyone will mind.


End file.
